Why all the sudden do I have to pee so bad?

October 31 by the_senator

OK... Fact #1: I'm buzzed. Such is why I have decided to post something. And so... ON MIT EL POSTING!!! OK... RIGHT! Well... Hmmm.... I have nothing to say. CRAP! Well, OK, I thought of something meaningful to say. PACMAN CE RULES FREAKING ASS. Suck on THAT one google. PHEW... endorphin rushes are QUITE nice. At any rate, perhaps this TERRIBLE post, coupled with my nagging inability to remember ancillary logins (and FYI, that may very well be the first time I have EVER typed the word ancillary..) will motivate me to post something MEANINGFUL. And so... FAREWELL! archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

God DAMN work fucking sucks...

April 4 by evil_charles

But that's why we have [FACEBOOK]! HUZZAH!!! So this literally happened yesterday: 89 year old ASSFACE: WHY ISN'T MY E-MAIL WORKING!?! King Charles: Is it not letting you log in? 89 year old ASSFACE: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? FIX IT!!! (2 years later) King Charles: Type in your user name and password... 89 year old ASSFACE: IT'S NOT WORKING! King Charles: Is your Caps Lock on? 89 year old ASSFACE: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT BETTER!!!!! King Charles: Look on your keyboard for a button that says Caps Lock (8 years later) 89 year old ASSFACE: I DON'T HAVE ONE! King Charles: It's over the Shift k--- 89 year old ASSFACE: I SAID I DON'T HAVE ONE OF THOSE!!!!!!!! King Charles: A keyboard? 89 year old ASSFACE: THAT'S WHAT I SAID!!! King Charles: Hmmmmm........ 89 year old ASSFACE: GIVE ME A SUPERVISOR!!! King Charles: (Thank GOD...) I SWEAR it was exactly like that. But, ANYWAY, in between dealing with the smartest people IN THE WORLD all day, I have the opportunity to SCOUR THE INTERWEBS for the most AWESOME LINKS EVER. Oh, and when I say 'scour the interwebs', I mean of course going to Digg and Fark all day. But ANYWAY, here are some PRIMO LINKS from yesterday's dip into HELL: April Fools Top 10 Animal Attack Videos (top 5) Stacker Victory DON'T PAIN GUN ME BRO! Spidet Excitement Top 20 Wierd Gadgets/ Lemonade Game San Francisco at Night Hummer vs Schoolbus 74 Bands THE STAIRMASTER Buying a Vote Debt Myths pixelator Well, I hope you all enjoy. Now then, if you will excuse me, it's my day off, so I need to.... well, I don't have anything to do. HOWEVER, this laptop is cooking my manly parts, so I'm off! archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

America... FUCK YEAH!

July 1 by evil_charles

Ah, the 4th of July. A day in which we celebrate Lt. Commander Abraham Lincoln's victory over the allied forces of The Native American Confederate Army and the Antarctic Nazis. The year was 1786, and after thier defeat in jungles of Argentina, Emperor Julius Hitler transported his beleagured troops, via steamboat, to the banks of the Mississippi. It was here that he made contact with General Robert E. Gray-Feather, proud leader of the enslaved states of South America. An uneasy alliance was forged that day. Should the Allied Conferazi Party prevail, Emperor Hitler would depose Mayor Ronald Reagan from the throne of California, and thusly appoint Arnold Schwartzeneggerstein to office as the Keiser of The Old Wild Western Germanica. Furthermore, General Gray-Feather would gain access to the lost alien technology hidden in the Saharan Deserts of Roswell Mexico, thus gaining the power to free all the enslaved French Musketeers in Canadian Exile (his former allies during the War of 1712). Thier plan was simple: they would march thier troops into the Earth's core, and destroy the Mystical Crystals of Washington, placed in the center of the Earth by the Templar Knights during the Spanish Revolution. However, thier plan was foiled when Lt. Commander Lincoln, and the Knights of the Round Congress (lead by the charismatic Lancelot Fitzgerald Kennedy), overwhelmed them on the fields of Gettysburg New York, with the help of laser weapons, that some say... was sent from the future. And so, with peace restored and the Nazi/Indian menace obliterated, Lincoln declared The 41 United States of The U.S.A emancipated. It is because of thier great sacrifice that we have enjoyed 1000 years of peace. SIC SEMPER TYRANNUS!!! The End? archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Master of the house...

June 2 by evil_charles

I guess that since (a) I found someone to love and spend the rest of my life with, and (b) I have a horrible job that consumes my soul (so I can TRY to pay off my crippling debt), I'm not entitled to have friends anymore. Oh well... RECENTLY BLOCKED BUDDIES LeCrotch20 You know, I would have liked to have met your wife dude. Well, have a nice life... or don't. Oh, and btw, I have to work Sunday anyway. archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

LONG LIVE BACKYARD WRESTLING!!!

January 12 by evil_charles

The HBW vs The Nazi Robots from Hell by: E. C. Hawkins The world had fallen into silence. Death, it seemed, was everywhere. As far as any eye could see, the remnants of the recently slain littered the land. They had been burned, shredded, and above all broken. No living soul had been spared from slaughter... save two. The King of Rudeness and Sam Hain. It was amidst this nightmare made real, this postcard from the lonliest plains of Hell, that they awoke. The end of the world had begun whilst they had slept, and they were all that was left to stop it. For hours they walked the land, searching for answers to unthinkable questions. They bore witness to a gruesome menagerie of ten thousand horrors. Not a word was spoken between them during this time, and yet, somehow, together they made a fateful decision. They would find the cause of this madness, and together they would destroy it. And so, they took the first steps in what would become their final journey. Thier eyes were fierce as they marched as soldiers do: Stone faced, full of fear, and to thier doom. At the very least thier path seemed clear. They would simply follow the trail of dead. On the horizon, the funeral pyres were burning. Columns of smoke rose into the windless sky, reaching toward the heavens like blackened towers of Babel. It was here that the source of this carnage, a battalion of swastika bearing robot killing-machines, were burning the corpses of thier most recent victims. Perhaps once they had been honorable men. Men with children who looked to them for guidance, wives who looked to them for support, and mothers who looked to them for love. Alas, those days were over. They had faced judgement long ago, and had been exiled into the abyss. It was there that they had made thier pact with the Devil. They had paid him with pain, regret, an all the remnants of thier eternal souls. For this, the Devil had forged them into steel. Cold, unfeeling, invincible steel. It had been worth the cost. A beautiful sunset bathed the gruesome world in soft, orange light. Fitting, it seemed, that this might be the last sunset any human eyes would bear witness to. God's final gift perhaps, to his once beloved children. Or one last mocking gesture to his forsaken little pawns... It mattered little, least of all to our heroes. Thier journey through a thousand killing fields had at last brought them to the entrance of thier enemies' camp. They were weary, but still hard, as they kicked open the rusted, hulking gates. They had not been locked. It was then that they first gazed upon thier foes. The robots had been waiting for them, standing ready to greet the ones who would destroy them. The melee that followed was horrific indeed. Our heroes fought bravely, but they were easily overcome by the strength of thier foes. In thier days as men, the robots had known the bitter taste of defeat. A taste which lingered even now, though thier tongues had been long discarded. They remembered how all the world had banded against them in order to crush thier dreams. The entire world, and still they had almost won. This fact stinged worse of all. But that was in the past, and now it seemed the world was either too weak or simply unwilling to fight them. The devil had made them mighty once more, and thier thirst for revenge would not go unquenched. And so, they focused all thier hate on The King and Hain. They pummeled them without relent. If the devil had left them faces, they would have almost certainly bore harrowing scowls, with more than a hint of satisfaction behind. And yet, despite all this, our heroes would not succumb. They had wasted thier lives in the pursuit of thier basest desires. They had lied, and cheated, and laughed gleefully at the misery of others. They knew full well that they were destined for Hell, and they had no regrets at all. So, they battled on. They fought past pain and exhaustion. They beat against metal with broken fists. Thier faces contorted into hideous, bloodsoaked masks. Rage filled thier knotted stomaches. Hate flowed through their veins. Thier muscles were stone. It was by will alone that they staved off death, and only for the love of violence did thier twisted hearts keep beating. They were less than human now, but almost certainly more than men. How could anything defeat a foe such as this? The Nazi Robots did not know. The screeching howl of failing gears soon filled the night as one by one the robots began to fall. With some, the silicon chips that held what shreds of thier humanity that the devil had seen fit to leave them burned out in white hot flame. They clawed feebly at thier titanium skulls and screemed with incomprehensably booming feedback before collapsing into twitching malfunction. Some would say that they were the lucky ones. Others had lost too much of the precious oil that had replaced thier blood, and without the proper lubrication, the mechanisms that had for a time sustained thier new lives chewed each other apart. But with most, however, it was the pistons that had once fired with such pride (and desperation) in thier chests that ground to an excruciating, agonizing halt. The engine blocks had been designed to be the center of thier systems. The most crucial part. The thing that gave the robots life. And, for no real logical reason whatsoever, they were seizing in each and every one of them. Perhaps the simple truth of it was, thier hearts were once more breaking. Somewhere, in that timeless gulf of blackness that is the Abyss, the devil was laughing... and so were the HBW. The air was thick with the meloncholy stench of loss as the sun made it's reluctant march into the pale morning sky. The world had not ended on that terrible night, and the boring, moronic cancer of the earth that is humanity itself, would thrive once again. As for the fates of Sam Hain and The King of Rudeness? There are none who can say. All that remained of the battle was a circle of twisted metal and the bloodstained earth. No trace of life remained here, which was well. The HBW would not have it any other way... archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Merry Obesity Appreciation Day!

November 24 by evil_charles

Ahh, Thanksgiving. A time to reflect on all that we have, and give thanks to our forefathers, who so efficiently and ruthlessly slaughtered all of the worthless, loitering, indigenous peoples who had the AUDACITY to hunt buffalos and create beautiful teepees (or whatever the hell it was they did) on FUTURE WAL-MART PARKING LOTS! OK, so the Native Americans got a raw deal (Sorry Pete...), but the fact of the matter is, we have ASSLOADS to be thankful for today. Like, uhhhh... FOR INSTANCE: Next Gen videogame systems... Which I can TOTALLY not afford. Having to move in a month. Having to find a new job in a month. WHISKEY! Peasant Magic Holiday TV Programing. (wretches) INSTANT MASHED POTATOES!!! Oh yeah... GOOD FUCKING TIMES. But, as is OFTEN my wont, I digress. Even I, KING MOTHER-FUCKIN' CHARLES can't be an assface for ALL of Thanksgiving. Hopefully all (3) of you reading this have (or had) a great day today. Think about how awesome the ones who love you are (You're the light of my house Jacqueline...), then think about how much you TOTALLY don't deserve them. THEN GORGE YOURSELF! It's the American way. But ANYWAY, HAPPY TURKEY DAY ASSHEADS!!! WHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Some Things I Have Come to Realize Lately . . . .

November 17 by silver_arrow

So, I'm sitting in the English grad lounge at FSU right now, vegging out after conferencing with my students on their adbuster papers. You need to schedule veg time when you're conferencing because it's really a mentally exhausting task to look at a line of papers all day and you don't want to "gyp" your afternoon and evening students by giving your drained-brain attention to their papers, or at least, I don't because I actually care. Anyway, one of the greatest things about sitting here is that while you're surfing facebook and catching up on your bank account info, you can eavesdrop on other conversations. Don't act like you've never done anything like that before! Currently, I'm eavesdropping on a convo that caught my attention with the line, "You better dumb it down . ." Convo in the grad lounge tends to lean towards how incompetant first year students are and how superior we as they're T.A.s are and what strategies we have to take to "deal with them." So, naturally I zoomed in and started to listen to what these two folks were chatting about. The "dumb it down" advisor was giving some advice (I think unsolicited advice) to a chic here about what to do if she taught at TCC. The whole thing just seemed so vulgar and lately, the whole grad lounge lets-insult-our-students-and-bitch-about-them attitude seems so vulgar and so disrespectful. I think back to being a part of similar conversations and cringe. So, wow, I've actually grown as a person in the last two and a half years and I hope to God I'm a lot less full of myself than some of these people sound. Without the students who we're so quick to criticize and complain about, we'd be paying HEAVILY for the graduate degrees we're seeking b/c FSU wouldn't be paying us next to nothing and subsidizing the cost of tuition for us. But, we never sound all that greatful. I know that there are times when a certain situation leaves us in need of venting or that certain students don't really care and are here b/c Mom and Dad want them to be, but lately, I've been discovering that if you quit assuming you know everything about the "typical" FSU freshperson, or freshpersons in general, and if you quit directing your efforts to this lowest-common-denomenator way of thinking, that you begin to like and respect your students a lot more AND, it seems, really feel like you have less to complain about. I don't know if this thing turned out exactly like I was expecting, but I just had to WRITE something about how infuriating this semester has been every time I hear graduate students talking, especially about their students. I'd like to think that people will be less full of themselves in law school, but I KNOW that's probably a joke. At least I've grown a little as a person. I'm even more likable than ever, I think. I was likable before, right? archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::