Conversations with dead people...

August 21 by the_senator

I used to be so much funnier than I am today. Also, I was better looking and more smarter. Having said that, here's a conversation I saved from about 4 years ago with a guy whom I presume to be dead right now. ENJOY! Or don't... I mean, it's not as though I actually CARE or anything. OK, OK... You know I care. I need external validation. DESPERATELY... SO ENJOY! AND TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME!!! The Senator: God DAMMIT dude... Lucy Liu is fucking HOT. Afro Ryan: uh-huh/// The Senator: If I were ever embroiled in mortal combat with that slut, I'd wind up gettin so turned on I'd just die from THAT... The Senator: Then she'd rip my heart out and feast on the dark, spurting blood... The Senator: FUCK dude... we need a BAND. I seriously think that if we were in a band I could scam my way into Lucy Liu's pants... The Senator: In my mind, that's exactly what would happen... Afro Ryan: yeah... The Senator: Then one day I'd be drunk, banging her in her trailer on some movie set, and Drew Barrimore would walk in and start getting all pissy that I'm drunk and banging Lucy Liu while she's at work, and Lulu would go "Ugh... You're such a BITCH drew..." Then I'd go: "Yeah, a FAT BITCH!" And we'd both start cracking up as she ran away in tears... Afro Ryan: ... The Senator: Then we'd start fucking again... archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

My life (and death) in 100 words...

August 16 by evil_charles

Life = Tetris Charles stared intently at his gameboy as he walked down the city street... (13) "YES! The long skinny bar! ANOTHER TETRIS!" (20) Content, he paused his game and stuffed his gameboy in his shirt pocket. As usual, his bus was late... (39) "Stupid bus... I wish life were as simple as Tetris. In tetris you take the blocks you're given, and you put them in their place. You don't have to wor--" (69) Before he could finish his sentence, a cable holding a girder snapped above him. The last thing Charles saw before he was crushed was the long skinny bar falling from above... (100) archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Nyaaehehehehe

August 14 by evil_charles

Lois: You're drunk again. Peter: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking. [more Peter qotes] archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Memories...

August 14 by the_senator

The following conversation was saved on November 18, 2003 due to extreme awesomeness, and was subsequently found yesterday as I was deleteing porn from my hard drive. Please direct all hate mail to my old friend Wario... WarioCow: remember that movie Sidekicks? The Senator: "You are here to fight bricks... Not that stupid boy." WarioCow: indeed. The Senator: "This will help you" <ignites the bricks... AS IF...> WarioCow: well now he's there to fight a tombstone The Senator: THE KID? WarioCow: JONATHAN BRANDIS.....A CORPSE! WarioCow: CORPSEQUEST DSV! The Senator: HOLY SHIT! The Senator: Was he a coke-head or something? WarioCow: I just now read about it, and I can't find any OFFICIAL confirmation because NO ONE WILL PICK UP THE STORY! WarioCow: which is hilarious.... The Senator: QUITE. WarioCow: apparently he killed himself....but the details aren't really known.....but I mean, he had to give SOMETHING back to the world for making LADYBUGS....so.... The Senator: ........................................... The Senator: We should have kept assface.net up... WarioCow: we should just start up a site called corpsechuckle.org The Senator: ........................................ The Senator: You're a genius. The Senator: SERIOUSLY. WarioCow: I wonder if the dolphin from Seaquest is weeping.... The Senator: What was that dolphin's name? WarioCow: Darwin... WarioCow: Darwin the Dolphin The Senator: ...................................... The Senator: <respect> WarioCow: I think corpsechuckle.org would be the most hated site in the universe.... The Senator: God willing. WarioCow: I just found out that the motherfucker died a WEEK AGO.... WarioCow: what's even more fucked up is that Rodney Dangerfield outlived him.... The Senator: I wonder if he sent flowers... The Senator: I doubt it... WarioCow: he probably doesn't even recall making Ladybugs... WarioCow: trivia from IMDB: WarioCow: Jonathan is an avid Pez collector. As a teenager, in hopes of preparing for a directing career as well as an acting career, he filmed movies starring his friends using a home video camera. The Senator: And by friends, they mean CATS. WarioCow: I wonder if he ate a shotgun so that he could become a REAL LIFE Pez dispenser..... WarioCow: somewhere, Chuck Norris is laughing.... The Senator: Along with Joe Piscopo... WarioCow: remember in the Neverending Story II how he was able to grant whatever wishes he wanted...but every time he granted a wish, he would lose a memory? one part that always pissed me off to no end was when he was wishing for ONE STEP AT A TIME up some fucking tower....when he could've just wished for a god damned STAIRCASE and saved himself a BILLION memories. WarioCow: but I guess currently, he can't wish for ANYTHING because he no longer HAS any memories. They're sprayed all over his apartment wall. The Senator: His shitty, one bedroom, cat urine-smelling apartment. I guess that story had an ending AFTER ALL. WarioCow: I really don't blame him. Ladybugs was so fucking awful. The Senator: I wonder if he rumped any of those chicks... archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

EKU 100 Homecoming

August 11 by silver_arrow

This message is mostly for you Wolf. I DEFINITELY want to try to get to KY for our EKU Homecoming. The Honors Program is having a reunion at Case Annex and the English Department always has a small reunion in Case on Saturday morning (I think post-parade). I know I cannot cancel my Thurday class on Sept 22, but I dont' teach on Friday, September 23 and Homecoming is the 24th. What do you think? Can we still make a go of it? I'll probably let you listen to J-May all the way home, probably, no promises. archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Taking Stock

August 10 by silver_arrow

So, I was just thinking today that 10 years ago, I was starting high school. It's been 10 years already. The geekiest thing about this thought? My first reaction was this: "I had just finished my first band camp 10 years ago."!! And man was that a good show or what! The color guard actually had a swordfight in the middle of "Legend of the One-Eyed Sailor" and it was really a good song too, and technically challenged. AND, as freshman, I succeeded to the position of section leader of the piccolos b/c Laura missed practices and a got into trouble with some marajuanna usage. Just had to post this little reflection. archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Takin to the highway

August 8 by the_wolf

My family is in disarray, so I'm makin a trip to the Bluegrass. Leavin Tuesday morning, be back the following Tuesday. But, don't fear. I won't be out of commission; I'll have sporadic internet access. Anyway, what I'm looking forward to: 1. The Shell station in Montevallo, Alabama. Best worthless merchandise on 65. 2. 10 hours on the interstate with the music of J-May 3. Nordstrom, the non-meowing cat, and Macy, the newly non-pregnant stray 4. A cowboy shoot with the Vaquero Pistolero 5. Gettin some rays at the Tan Shack 6. Listening to my grandpa talking about line dancing at The Whispering Pines If any events trump these, I'll be sure to post them. See you turkeys later! archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Killing time...

August 8 by evil_charles

The HBW vs The Luchadore Zombies By: E. C. Hawkins The acrid stench of rotting flesh hung like a cloak of pure horror in the air of the night as Evil Charles and Panama Jack stood surrounded by a horde of masked undead. And though the dark power that sent this army of zombiefied luchadores to Thunderdome was uncertain, their mission was clear. Slaughter the HBW, no matter the cost. The chilling stillness of Jack and The Evil One stood in stark contrast to the brutal melee that was soon to come. To the untrained eye, it would have appeared as though the two were paralyzed with fear, as they remained utterly still amidst the ambling chaos of the circling zombies. However, these hardened veterans were merely sizing up their enemies, poised ready to strike at the slightest act of aggression. They were easily outnumbered 200 to 1. To them, these odds were even. With terrifying ferocity, the two warriors waded into the endless sea of walking dead, leaving in their wake only broken, twitching remnants of their foes. But their fervent onslaught was matched at every step by the shear number of their unearthly attackers. Thunderdome swelled with their putrid masses, threatening to inundate Panama Jack and Evil Charles with every crawling second. However, the total desperation of this situation only served to fuel their fury, as wave upon creeping wave of wailing undead were wholly dismantled, with appalling precision. In their cold, sinister hearts, this much was certain: All the armies of darkness combined could never take Thunderdome. For Thunderdome was their home, and here, they were Gods. Those few that remained of the once great legion of luchadore zombies stood frozen in morbid awe. Not even in the deepest depths of hell had their cold, dead eyes witnessed a scene of such savagery and malevolence. For the first time in their unnatural lives, they knew fear. And fear, was the HBW. They tried to flee, but were cut down by a volley of light tubes, exploding into exquisite clouds of glass and violence against their mangled, terrified faces. As if in some last, futile effort to defeat their destroyers, the zombies unleashed a cacophony of tortured screams, as they clawed feebly at the shards of glass imbedded deep within their skulls. And then, there was silence. With their massacre complete, Evil Charles and Panama Jack surrendered at last to exhaustion, collapsing amongst the bodies of their victims, in pools of dark, fetid blood. As the sun made it's reluctant march above the horizon, light was finally shed upon the muted field of battle. The grass was stained wet with brains and viscera, and the corpses lay hewn across the ground, in a grim tapestry of death. And under the crimson masks of blood and gore which covered the faces of our heroes, they wore a pair of fiendish grins. archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Question

August 6 by the_wolf

Evil and Lady Hawk-- Furry cuffs . . . thumbs up? Thumbs down? Inquiring minds want to know. :) archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

j vs m

August 6 by the_wolf

John, If you're out there, you brilliant mangod, let me just say that on October 1st, I will watch you wriggle and gyrate and channel the blues. You are a genius; your parceling of humanity into swirls of words and music and the level of empathy you manage to achieve . . .well, would you like to know what you're up against? You're up against Matt. Matt just chugged straight from a bottle of Wish Bone Bleu Cheese . . . what can you do to compete with that? We shall see . . . archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Ridiculousness at the Tallahassee Mall

August 6 by the_wolf

Okay, so I went to the mall for some mandatory items and discovered an onslaught of things that drive me fucking nuts. Here goes: 1. When one teenage girl brings two older fratty guys with her into Victoria's Secret. First of all, aren't we a little young to be slutting it up so soon? Secondly, the douches with her end up staring at what everyone else is purchasing and giggling over fleshtone, large cupped bras and full-butted panties. Bastards. 2. Fat, adolescent mall rats. Too much food court I suppose. These girls are like 12 and they're wearing jean skirts that show their butt cheeks and tight, short shirts that show bulges to rival middle-aged frames. They buy chilled coffee drinks and circle the escalators like vultures. I don't know what they're looking for. 3. The mall security vehicles that circle the parking lot BUT DO NOTHING ABOUT ANYTHING. I watched a guy run a stop sign in the parking lot right in front of mall security. He just kept on rollin. If he had more pressing issues to attend to, I could handle it. But the Tally Mall doesn't really boast of high criminal activity. 4. The sales girl who insists you take back a bigger size pant after appraising your thighs because you'll "probably need to go up a size." Listen bitch--if I need it in that size, I ain't gonna buy it anyway. You just killed a sale. Then, when you finally come out, downtrodden, she announces, in her loudest voice, "How did those work for you? Did you need that bigger size?" I want her to die of over exposure to designer perfume fumes. 5. And finally,the freakin' Barnes and Noble. People are searching for Maeve Binchey and calendars and slurping frappacinos and talking as loud as they can about the novels of Jane Green and books with titles like "Mr. Wrong Tangles with Miss All-Right." I wish I could say I felt better already, but . . . archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The Sunshine State... PSH!

August 6 by evil_charles

Well, after 47 hours of working (read: GETTING SHIT ON) in the drive thru at the bank, I've made it to the weekend! The miserably humid, torrentially DOWNPOURING weekend. Good LORD Florida sucks. I am SO GETTING HAMMERED after I post this. Either that or I'm downloading some porn... OR BOTH! HUZZAH! At any rate, here are some vids courtesy of wimp.com. Sorry, none of it is porn... Drunken Lois Drunken Flamers MORE Drunken Flamers LEEROOOOOOY, AH-JENKINS!!! The GOD of Nintendo Backyard Boxing Good Doggy! Well, I have nothing more to say. I think now I might forego drinking and just sleep for 40 hours or something... SO LONG SCUM-SHITS! WHOOOO!!!!!!!!!! archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

...	August 5 by money_toots

http://myblam.com/movieclips/3N7PWvkZSnhd.wmv archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Mad Money TOOTS!

August 4 by money_toots

WOOOH MONEY T IS NOW UP IN YO AREA... from Athens to Tallahassee, it's nastier than the shits that emanate from 12 MGD's and a Jim and Milt's hobo platter, NUGGA! archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Flash Fiction RULES...

August 3 by evil_charles

I think I like writing flash fiction because a) if it's not great, I have a built in excuses due to space constraints, and b) I have a CRIPPLING case of Attention Def.. What was I talking about? OH YEAH! This is an old FF story I found on my old computer. It's old. Now, if you will excuse me, people are moving out of my apartment complex this week and there is some cool shit in the dumpster... Prognosis: Negative Hank and Marie sat impatiently awaiting some word of thier daughter's condition. After several hours of nervous anticipation, a doctor approached. (21) "Any word on our daughter Doctor?" "Everything was a success. Your daughter is going to be fine." (38) Relieved, Hank started to shake the doctor's hand. However, before he had a chance, two orderlies grabbed the doctor by his arms. (60) "C'mon Ernie, you know you're not supposed to leave the psych ward. And where did you get that coat?" The couple stood flabbergasted. Before they could think, another doctor approached. "Mr. and Mrs. Donaldson? I'm afraid I have bad news..." (100) archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I have job!

August 2 by silver_arrow

So, My TA-ship is coming to a close at FSU. I guess they're trying to get rid of me? Not at all! I went to my director yesterday (the director of First Year Writing that is, not my thesis director) to ask her for a recommendation so that I could apply for an adjunct position at TCC. She offered me a chance to stay on at FSU teaching First Year Writing in the fall, a chance at which I promptly jumped. Yes! Financial security rocks! With our newfound security in hand, Charles and I promptly ran out to spend some of the $250 he had overpaid into our Macy's account. We found out the Macy's card has a Visa logo and were like, "Yes! We can actually get some things we need like gas and groceries and a bottle of white wine!" archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Hooked on Angel Reruns

August 1 by silver_arrow

How awesome is Season Four of Angel! When they bring Angelus back and Wesley steps into fullblown Watcher mode and retrieves Faith to help Angel Inc, it's so well done! How did Wesley get so hardcore? If you want to talk about an incredibly well developed character, shaped bit by bit over episode after episode, look no further than Wes. My favorite part of him and Faith this season? It's too hard to pick. 1) Where she throws herself through the conversation booth in prison and then throws Wes and herself out of a second story window. They land on a car, roll off and she asks, "You OK?" He just kind of shakes his head and says, total deadpan, "Five by five." !!! Rock!!! 2)Where Faith TOTALLY owns Connor's whiny ass--and he actually likes it! 3) Where Wes and Faith are hunting Angelus after he's stolen all of Angel Inc's info on The Beast and its master, and he forces her to get hardcore. He baits her by recounting how she tortured him in Season One, charging that the evil in her runs right to her core, to her soul, that she's a "rabid dog" who should have been "put down" long ago, and she gets pissed and all he has to say is pretty much "You need to be able to go there (that stage of anger/rage) to take down Angelus." !!! How flippin' infuriating is it that they cut this show short in Season Five! WTF?? archive::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::